International Incident: A Primer for New American Citizens from the United Kingdom
April 8th, 2008 by Dan

On this glorious day, my British buddy Phil is finalizing his dual citizenship with the U.S. and U.K. As a courtesy to him, I’ve prepared this list of vital differences between America and England to facilitate his naturalization.

1. Stop putting extra letters in your words. Prime examples are as follows: color, armor, flavor, honor. Seriously guys, you’re just cheating at Scrabble when you do that.

2. No one in the states acclimatizes to anything. We become acclimated.

3. Torches provide light with fire. I’m sure electricity is mystical to what must be a very backwards island, but in America we call them flashlights when they use electricity and light bulbs.

4. We keep our skeletons in closets in the States, not the cupboard. This is really just a matter of hygiene. Would you want your cereal stored in the same place you store your corpses?

5. Do you know where everything in the world is? Forget it as quickly as you can. You only have to know where Mexico and Canada are. The former to build a fence to keep them out, the latter to buy cheap prescription drugs.

6. So you had socialized medicine in England, did you? We don’t have freebies in this country. Get a job you Commie!

7. There are no topless women on page 3 of our tabloids. What kind of people are…wait…that one we need to bring stateside…

8. Forget about news that matters, the BBC just keeps it too real. Instead, learn to enjoy hearing about Paris Hilton on CNN, FOX News, MSNBC, etc. 24/7

9. Football is played with your hands.

10. Remember to buy a gun and a cowboy hat, you’ll need it when you’re cast as the token American in British movies.

Welcome to America, buddy. You’re gonna love it here!

8 Responses  
  • Phil writes:
    April 8th, 200816:51at

    lols. thanks buddy.

    the ceremony was actually quite nice (excepting the “i’m proud to be an american” music video that was perhaps a touch over the top), and i was happy with the way everything went.

    re your subtle dig at canada: at the ceremony, one of the things they do is read out a list of all the countries represented by new americans, and you stand up when they call you country out and stay standing up. one of the guys getting naturalized with me was canadian, and they forgot canada! i suppose you (ahem, we) already consider it part of the US?

  • Eric Mesa writes:
    April 8th, 200819:33at

    Oh yeah, one more thing –

    11. Why the heck do you guys pronounce aluminum as aluminium. Where did you get that extra i from? Or do you spell it like that over there?

    Best quote from Snatch – “‘Blagged’? Speak English to me Tony, I thought this country spawned the fuckin’ language and so far nobody seems to speak it.”

  • Danielle writes:
    April 9th, 200810:23at

    Oh, I got another one! A rubber is not an eraser.

  • It’s A Binary World 2.0 » Blog Archive » Dan’s got a brand new blog writes:
    April 9th, 200818:26at

    […] is not worth as many cool points as before)  If you read nothing else on his blog, you MUST read this post in which he gives his British friend some tips on Americanisms.  It is one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard come out of Daniel’s head.  So go […]

  • Eric Mesa writes:
    May 26th, 200914:24at

    And recently the MP who was spending public money to clean his moat. You guys still have moats?!?

  • Dan writes:
    May 26th, 200914:26at

    I totally forgot about this post. Haha, memories…

  • Eric Mesa writes:
    February 25th, 201010:06at

    Oh, and the brits say orientated instead of oriented.

    • Dan writes:
      February 25th, 201010:19at

      This is the second time you’ve revisited this post. Bravo on keeping the memories alive.

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